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Unger & Thirst

Carney Asks Provinces to Return Shitty Inferior American Beer to Stores

August 19, 2026

OTTAWA, ON With a potential trade deal in the works, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney is asking Canadian to start drinking shitty inferior American beer once again. “As a gesture of good will to our […]

Unger Conviction

General Conference Strikes Last Minute Deal to Lift Tariffs on Mennonite Brethren

August 17, 2026

GOSHEN, IN Just as US President Donald Trump seems hellbent on starting trade wars (and real wars) around the globe, the Mennonite Brethren and Mennonite Church have inked a brand new free trade deal that […]

Unger Conviction

  • Mennonite Church Vows Never Again to Ask English Prof to Read the Children’s Story
    October 26, 2022
  • Study Reveals 70% of Mennonites Don’t Know All the Dance Moves to Hymn 606
    November 11, 2018
  • Mennonite Woman Bravely Opts to Forgo Candle Drip-Guard
    December 24, 2018

Unger & Thirst

  • Mennonite Football Player Suspended Two Games after Testing Positive for Papsi and Ravel
    August 26, 2019
  • Andrew Unger Celebrates 10 Years of Schmaunt Fat Jokes
    May 25, 2026
  • Mennonite Woman’s Lifetime Collection of Souvenir Teaspoons Sells for a Whopping 35 Cents
    October 17, 2023

Unger the Influence

  • Trump Really Excited About New $1.8 Billion Slush Fund
    May 20, 2026
  • Webster’s Dictionary Redefines “Ceasefire” as “Active Battle”
    May 8, 2026
  • Man Who Aced Cognitive Test Can’t Tell Jesus From a Doctor
    May 5, 2026

The Daily Bonnet

  • New Program Seeks to End Promiscuity at Old Folks Home
    July 19, 2017
  • Mennonite Couple Becomes Completely Obsessed with Jollibee
    May 27, 2017
  • Mennonite Man Working from Home Completely Naked the Entire Time
    March 19, 2020
  • Morden and Winkler Tired of Having to Share a Hospital
    September 16, 2019

Trending

  • Mennonite Man Buys Back All the Albums He Was Forced to Burn in the 70s
    August 10, 2026
  • Reitmans Introduces New ‘Angine de Poitrine’ Line
    August 9, 2026
  • Mennonites Fill Copper Wire Shortage By Stretching Pennies
    August 8, 2026
  • Steinbach Unveils New Public Transit System
    August 5, 2026

Unger Suspicion

  • Joel Osteen Fans are Literally Wearing Adult Diapers so they Don’t Miss a Second of His Three-Hour Sermons
    June 4, 2023
  • Area Woman Still Can’t Tell the Difference Between Mennonites and Hutterites
    August 3, 2016
  • “Fearless” Man Refuses to Wear a Mask But Absolutely Petrified to Enter a Grocery Store Without His Gun
    August 25, 2020
  • Petition Calls for Entire State of Minnesota to Join Canada
    January 7, 2019
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Massive Simon Hildebrandt Statue Appears Outside MBCI

August 16, 2026

Thousands of Mennonites Barely Clinging to Life During Nationwide Cottage Cheese Shortage

August 14, 2026

World’s Sturdiest Ice Maker Lasts a Record Three Days

August 13, 2026

Eclipse Glasses Required to Safely View Sunday’s Worship Service

August 12, 2026

Mennonite Woman Forgets to Put Star Anise in Her Chicken Soup

August 11, 2026

Unger Games

  • Massive Simon Hildebrandt Statue Appears Outside MBCI
    August 16, 2026
  • Mennonite Soccer Fans Devastated as England “Fe’schluckes” Yet Again
    July 15, 2026
  • White Sox to Feature All-Mennonite Starting Lineup
    July 11, 2026
  • Soccer Player Gets Red Card for Yawning
    July 10, 2026
  • FIFA Agrees to Let Trump Officiate Tonight’s World Cup Match
    July 6, 2026

SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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