Got a pebble in your shoe? Is something irking or irritating you? Are you looking for a totally bogus religious exemption? Well, you’ve come to the right place!
As of today, I’m officially declaring the Daily Bonnet as an independent non-denominational church. To be a member, all you have to do is have liked, shared, or read an article at any time during the past five years. Done it? Check! You’re in. You’re officially a member of the Church of the Daily Bonnet.
The new Daily Bonnet Church has no established doctrine or theology, which means we can declare anything we don’t like as against our religion.
As the ordained minister of the aforementioned church, I fully endorse and approve religious exemptions for absolutely anything you feel like. Here are a few suggestions, but by all means, please don’t limit yourself to this list.
As of today you are exempt from:
- Keeping one buttcheek on the seat during knipsbrat. The one-buttcheek rule no longer applies to you! Knips away from any angle you decide!
- Attending your friend’s MLM parties. Essential oils, kitchen products, skin cream? You name it, you no longer have to go. It’s now against your religion! What a relief!
- Politely waiting while the dude in front of you in line at Shoppers Drug Mart checks all his scratch and win tickets. Henceforth you are exempt from being polite in situations like this.
- The 3-item limit at the thrift store change room. Trying on dozens of items at a time is your religious right. I’d even go so far as it say as it’s your duty. How dare they limit your religious expression in this way!
- Evening services. I know it seems counterintuitive, but as of today it’s actually against your religion not to stay home and watch the Wonderful World of Disney rather than hearing Pastor Dave recap his morning’s sermon between bites of processed ham.
- Oil changes every five thousand kilometres. You are hereby absolved from any guilt you might feel about letting it go a couple years between changes.
- Checking your husband’s pants pockets for his wallet and phone before throwing them in the wash. From now on, that’s his job. You’re exempt! If his valuable items get damaged, tough luck for him!
- Following the speed limit in parking lots! I mean, come on! Who goes 15 km/h? Exempt!
- Finishing oma’s plumemoos. Simply claim your religious exemption. Cold plums are against your religion. Oma will understand.
- Keeping your mouth shut during family gatherings. Politics? Religion? Have at ‘er! No need to bite your tongue anymore!
