HOLLYWOOD, CA
The annual Hollywood Self-Righteousness Awards were handed out on Sunday, with the top designation ‘Even More Self-Righteous than a Mennonite’ going to actor Joaquin Phoenix.
“I’d like to thank the Academy of Unwarranted Self-Righteousness for bestowing this honour on me,” said Phoenix. “But, you know, I’d also like to acknowledge that all the other nominees were just as worthy of this honour as me.”
The Joker actor then launched into a half-hour sermon scolding “evil dairy farmers” and promoting the consumption of dairy alternatives such as Kraft Singles slices.
“Woah to thee who consume dairy,” said Phoenix, pounding a Bible on the podium. “The Lord has a place for thee in the fiery flames of Hell where there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
Phoenix said he’d been watching video of various Mennonite ministers for inspiration.
“I thought of doing an altar call, but the people in charge said it wasn’t allowed and would cut into the time allotted for commercial breaks,” said Phoenix. “I had Just as I Am all cued up, but someone pulled the plug. It’s a shame.”
As a famed actor and multi-millionaire, Phoenix wanted to make sure we all knew he was our moral superior in every way.
Kleefeld dairy farms have reported a huge surge in dairy sales since the speech.
(photo credit: Diana Ringo/CC)
