It’s a competitive job market out there and you’ve got to be prepared. Thankfully, the Daily Bonnet is here to help. We’ve created a list of the most common questions asked by Mennonite bosses during a job interview. Of course, most of these questions are actually illegal to ask, but then, we’ve never been known to follow the rules. So, if you want a job, practice and be prepared!
- Where do you see yourself in 5 years: catching chickens or milking cows?
- This is a trick question. Everyone says milking cows, since it’s much more preferable to squeeze udders than choke chickens. However, if you’re looking to get a job, tell them you envision yourself as a chicken catcher. It will show you’re a hard worker who’s not afraid of a little chicken dander.
- What is the biggest sin you’ve ever committed?
- Spin this one. Turn your biggest sin into your biggest attribute. For example, you could have coveted the neighbour’s hymnal or, perhaps, you’re a glutton for your grandma’s platz. Mennonite employers will respect a candidate who loves a good hymn sing and appreciates their grandmother’s cooking.
- Tell me about a time you had a conflict with a church elder.
- For men, there’s only one smart answer to this question if you want a job: “I am a church elder.” (Tell them it’s the EMC church). Women should say they’re married to an elder.
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how submissive are you?
- You can’t say 10, meaning absolutely submissive, because that’ll just sound arrogant. Tell them you think you’re an 8 or a 9. Once you get the job they can find out just how much of a rebel you really are. By then it’ll be too late. Mennonites never fire anyone, especially if you’re frintschoft.
- What church do you go to?
- This is tricky. Should you say EMC, MB, or GC? The GCs think the EMCs are too conservative and the EMCs think the GCs are too liberal. It’s best to take the safe middle ground and say MB. Tell them its the MB out by Schanzenfeld somewhere, which is why they’ve never seen you at faspa.
- Why do you want to leave your current job at the church pew factory?
- Tell them you just want more out of life than making church pews can offer. Don’t make it sound like some profound existential crisis, however. Make it sound like you’re excited to explore everything chicken catching has to offer. Avian flu and all.
- How small of a salary are you willing to work for?
- Tell them you’d work for free if you could because you love chickens that much, but the big bad government has to get their paws where they don’t belong and dictates a minimum wage. The boss will likely say, “oba, yo, dat government sticking its nose into our private Mennonite businesses yet.” Regardless of your answer, you’re getting minimum wage, so it’s best to make it sound like 11 dollars an hour is extravagant and generous on the part of the employer.
- Do you have any questions for me?
- “Yes, just one: are we related?”
