Ahhh, hate mail. It’s always such a delightful gift to receive any time of year, but especially around the holidays. If you’re considering giving the gift of irrational angry vitriol this year, here are a few helpful tips drawn from Daily Bonnet hate mail archives, that will ensure your message is the wonderful blessing you intend it to be.
- Make sure to express vague and generalized disdain. Whatever you do, don’t make it clear what article has upset you. Just keep Andrew guessing. It’s more fun that way. Like a game.
- Make sure you have very little understanding of what satire is or how it works before sending your email. Whatever you do, you’ll want to avoid giving the impression you’re a coherent and literate individual. Your message will be taken much more seriously if you can prove to the recipient that you haven’t a clue what you’re blathering on about.
- Attack Andrew personally. Make it as mean and vindictive as possible. If you want to stir up a fruitful conversation, the best way to initiate it is to tell Andrew to “drink a lot of bleach.” Also question his eternal destiny. Thanks!
- Even though a thorough survey of the website would indicate no shift in tone or subject matter, say that these articles “used to be funny” but now they are way too ______________ (political, ungodly, critical of Vladimir Putin, focused on Mennonites, heavy on the schmaunt fat – pick one or more).
- Don’t think too much about your email before sending it. Whatever you do, don’t show it to a trusted friend and say, “hey, do you think this is a wise thing to say?” Instead, follow your rage, churn something out riddled with both logical and grammatical errors, and click SEND.
- Have you ever worked someplace? Retail perhaps? You know those out-of-control demanding, ridiculous customers? The ones you talk about in the staff room during your break? Yeah, those. Well, before you send your angry email, erase all this from your memory. It should never dawn on you that whatever you think about those undesirable customers, is probably pretty darn close to what Andrew thinks about you and your angry email.
- Fail to realize that any message or email you send to Andrew or The Daily Bonnet is a letter to the editor, and if Andrew wasn’t such a nice guy, he could post it online and make you look like a fool in front of thousands of people. Disregard this thought completely and proceed with your nasty message.
So there you have it. Please send all correspondence to:
i’m_definitely_not_going_to_read_this_email_and_instead_just_delete_it@angrymenno.com