HUBBARD, OR
According to the FDA, Americans consume more than 2 million tons of molasses baked beans every 4th of July. The volume of baked bean consumption has some officials worried about air quality this Independence Day weekend.
“We’re not asking you to call off the barbecue,” said FDA spokeswoman Mable Schaubelsup. “But maybe, just maybe, ask the uncles to go easy on the beans.”
Schaubelsup is recommended that Americans consume no more than a one gallon pail of baked beans each.
“And watch the potato salad too,” said Schaubelsup. “Would it kill you to eat a green vegetable on the 4th of July?”
Things have gotten so bad that many communities are placing a 100 foot barrier to keep bloated gassy folks away from the fireworks.
“Beans and fireworks are a disaster waiting to happen,” said Schaubelsup. “If you have to, please point yourself in the direction of the Canadian border. They did all their fireworks three days ago, for some reason.”
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has already announced that any mysterious gasses floating over the border will be taken as a threat to national security.
