LANCASTER, PA
With just two days left before the election, many Mennonites are left undecided. For Mennonite voters out there, the current Presidential election poses quite the challenge, as none of the candidates seem to be addressing issues that Mennonites hold dearly, such as the soaring price of knackzoat and the decline in the quality of imported suspenders from China. Let’s have a look at the candidates:
Jill Stein, Green Party: I love the Green Party’s plan to turn America into one big Mennonite colony. We Mennonites have gotten along without fossil fuels for centuries, so I don’t know why these English need their fancy cars and trucks, when horse and buggy work just fine. However, I do have one concern about Stein’s plan to Mennonitize America. Unless the English are willing to be baptized and dress properly, simply driving an electric car is not good enough. I don’t see any indication the Green Party plans to do anything about the wild living and immodest dress of America. Total rating: 3.5 cow patties out of 5.
Gary Johnson, Libertarian: As Mennonites, we have fled from country to country trying to find a place where the government isn’t telling us how to live. I like that the Libertarians are all about letting us do whatever we want. The problem is they’d also let everyone else do whatever they want, too, and that’s just something we cannot abide. I agree with libertarian principles, but only for us. The rest of society simply cannot be trusted with that kind of personal freedom. I mean just look at the Kardashians. Total rating: 3 cow patties out of 5.
Hillary Clinton, Democrat: Hillary Clinton’s plan to maintain the status quo and not really do much is something we Mennonites can appreciate. Change is hard. It’s not enjoyable. So even though I disagree with everything Obama stands for, I like Clinton’s plan to do more or less exactly the same stuff. I may not like it, but at least it’s exactly the same. The fact that she used an unsecured email server while Secretary of State doesn’t bother me in the slightest, as our church has been sending unsecured telegrams more than a century and a half. 3.5 cow patties out of 5.
Donald Trump, Republican: This is a man who doesn’t pay any taxes, treats women like garbage, has no political experience, a fourth grade vocabulary, and his connection to the Christian church is dubious at best. He sounds a bit too much like my Uncle Corny and, let me tell you, he’s not the type of person you’d want planning the men’s fishing weekend let alone the most powerful country in the world. I’ve also heard that Donald Trump is all about walls. There are lots of Walls where I live, so he may get some votes, but not as many as if he’d been all about the Reimers. 1.5 cow patties out of 5.
None of the above: Traditionally Mennonites have not voted or participated in government as this was seen as a violation of the clear biblical teaching of separation of church and state. God’s kingdom is not of this world, after all, so why vote? Given the options this may be our only viable option. As for those who say you can’t complain if you don’t vote, I say, ach, never mind that. Since when has anyone been able to prevent us from complaining? 4.5 cow patties out of 5.
(Photo credit: Ted Eytan/CC)
