CHILLIWACK, BC
The South Chilliwack Gospel Mennonite Church has banned members from rolling up the rim at Tim Hortons, as it violates the church’s strict teaching against games of chance. The church took the action after catching more than a dozen church-goers, including two members of the deacon board, checking their coffee rims in the lobby after the service this Sunday.
“Jauma lied! And in the church lobby yet!” yelled Elder Krahn, seizing the Tim Hortons cups from the hapless coffee drinkers. “This is a house of worship, not a gambling den!”
Krahn told reporters that he confiscated the coffee cups as a preventative measure.
“I’m keeping them from sin,” said Krahn. “As long as they don’t claim their free donuts and coffees they haven’t technically done anything wrong. It’s only when you collect your prize that you’ve violated the commandment.”
The church-goers claimed ignorance of the rule, and said they would never have so much as rolled up the rim and glanced at the message had they been aware of the dire consequences.
“I guess I was really playing with fire there,” said Mr. Fehr. “I’m grateful to Elder Krahn for leading me to the right path. I’ll never touch a takeaway coffee cup again!”
Krahn also claimed that any more than one sugar and one cream was a violation of the sin of gluttony and carefully inspected each coffee to make sure there were no double-doubles.
“It’s hard work keeping everyone else from sinning,” said Krahn. “Thankfully, it’s all over now. Next Sunday I plan on taking these used coffee cups out to the church parking lot for a public prayer and ceremonial burning.”
Instead, Krahn was spotted later in the week, living it up like a king at an Abbotsford Timmies.
