WINKLER, MB
A new Abes treatment centre has opened up on the highway between Morden and Winkler. The hope is that convenient access to medical help will prevent Abes from spreading beyond the Pembina Valley.
“We are asking all Abes in the area to report to the centre immediately for treatment,” said centre spokesperson Art Sawatzky. “I don’t care if you’re Abe Penner, Abe Friesen, or Abe Loewen, if you’re an Abe you need urgent help.”
The centre offers a number of treatment options including electro-shock therapy, although most Abes feel that just being around other Abes is therapy enough.
“Once you see how many of us Abes there are out there, you realize you’re not alone,” said Abe Friesen. “Us Abes are all in this together.”
Once released from the centre it’s hoped that the Abes will re-intigrate into society as someone with a totally different name.
“We don’t hate Abes,” said Sawatzky. “We just want to help them be someone other than Abe, like, say, Peter or Henry or even Waldemar.”