EDMONTON, AB
With both churches and casinos set to reopen in coming weeks, provincial officials decided they needed to give churches an equal opportunity to attract patrons to their facilities.
“We had to even the playing field somehow,” said Premier Jason Kenney. “After months without playing the slots, it’s gonna be pretty hard to attract Grandma Reimer to sit in a pew for two hours on a Sunday morning if all you’ve got to offer her is a guilt trip and a selection of deli meat in the gymnasium afterwards.”
In addition to VLTs and slot machines, the new law also allows Alberta churches to install craps tables and swim-up bars featuring Jello shooters.
“I think it’s great,” said Pastor Dave of West Edmonton Mennonite. “This place has been empty long enough. It’ll be nice to see some friendly faces filling up the pews…even if they’re mostly cranking and downtrodden and shouting for the girl to bring them another watered-down margarita.”
Pastor Dave would also like to clarify a few things, noting that the church is not as opposed to gambling as some might think.
“After all, I got my job by drawing straws,” he said.
Once they reopen, the church is planning to bring in some entertainment to keep the people in their new neon-lit pews.
“I’m really hoping we can get one of those washed-up bands from the 1960s where the only original member left is the drummer,” said Pastor Dave. “Wow, running a casino is much easier than running a church. Not as lucrative, mind you, but there’s a lot less fighting.”