EDMONTON, AB
Local man Darryl Klassen of Edmonton, who was kicked out of a local 7-11 store this week for wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts and a mullet, has been called “the most traumatized, brutalized, persecuted, and mistreated individual in the history of the human race,” by new Alberta Premier Danielle Smith.
“My heart really goes out to persecuted souls like Darryl,” said Premier Smith. “When I think of all the atrocities of the past century, they all pale in comparison to being asked to put on a shirt when microwaving a beef and cheese taquito.”
Darryl reportedly grabbed five pepperoni sticks, a Papsi-flavoured Slurpee, and a bag of zoat before being politely asked if he could, perhaps, throw on a top or something.
“It’s really sad to see this kind of persecution in our fair province of Alberta,” said Smith. “As a student of history, I was well aware that our province had a squeaky clean record when it comes to human rights. Looks like we finally have a blemish on our otherwise spotless record.”
This Monday, Smith will be offering a moment of silence for Shirtless Darryl and is already sending “thoughts and prayers” to his family.
“I get choked up just thinking about persecuted white men in mullets like Darryl,” said Smith. “His only crime was a love for Slim Jims and a desire to show off his hairy beer belly to the world. Oh the humanity!”
Premier Smith has ordered Alberta flags to fly at half-mast for the next two weeks.
(photo credit: Matthew Dillon/CC)