MISSISSAUGA, ON
Local man Peter Lehman, 39, of Mississauga has been left permanently disfigured this week after eating ketchup chips. According to Lehman, after an hourlong session during which time he ate two bags of ketchup chips and watched three episodes of Last Man Standing, his fingertips were left with dark red stains which no amount of soap and water could remove.
“Soap, detergent, vigorous scrubbing – nothing worked!” exclaimed Lehman. “I had my hands under the taps for an hour shouting ‘Out, out, damned spot,’ but nothing worked!”
While recovering at an area hospital, Lehman is petitioning the Canadian government to require warning labels on bags of ketchup chips.
“Something has got to be done about this! You can lick your fingers, but that only embeds the ketchup stain even more,” said Lehman. “I mean, it’s embarassing. I’ve been leaving little red marks over everything. You don’t want to see my keyboard.”
So far, Health Canada officials have not responded to Lehman’s request, though Lehman is considering getting lawyers involved.
“Look at my fingers! Just look at them!” said Lehman. “What woman will want to date me with fingers like this!”
After fives days with ketchup stained fingers, Lehman is slowly getting used to his new life, and has promised to stick to Cheetos from now on.