VICTORIA, BC
After having his name selected in the traditional Mennonite manner – by drawing lots – a man from Kitchener, Ontario by the name of David Eby is now Premier of British Columbia.
“Well, I’m not sure how this happened but Mr. Johan Martin informed me my name was selected, I’d have to pack up my wife and 23 children and head to the West Coast,” said Eby, who previously worked as a farrier in southern Ontario. “It was quite the journey. Took nearly six months, but that’s only because we had some difficulty convincing the folks at the ferry terminal to let us on with our team of horses.”
Now that he’s in charge, Eby plans to revolutionize the way things are done in beautiful British Columbia.
“It’s going to be a lot less avocado toast and a lot more donuts and German beer sausage after I’m through with this province,” said Eby. “Plus the entire provincial budget will be funded by the quilt auction I’ll be hosting every Saturday afternoon outside the Legislative Building in downtown Victoria.”
Folks a few hours away in Abbotsford were shocked at the presence of a Mennonite man in the provincial capital.
“I thought maybe Henry Braun or someone might be our first Mennonite Premier,” said area man Bill Thiessen. “But I’m not so sure about this Eby fellow. He knows all about Dutch Blitz and crokinole, but he can’t speak a lick of Plautdietsch.”
Also of concern for the Abbotsford Mennonites was the fact that Eby had apparently never received a full immersion baptism.
“Jauma lied! I don’t know what kind of Mannanites they’re producing in southern Ontario,” said Thiessen. “I just hope this fellow is a good solid conservative like we’re used to around here.”
Premier Eby is just the third Mennonite Premier in Canadian history after Rudy Wiebe, Jonathan Toews, and Ben Heppner.
(photo credit: BC NDP/CC/modified)