ALTONA, MB
The mystery of Bigfoot has finally been solved! After careful analysis of the footage, scientists at Pembina Valley University, have concluded that the big hairy beast seen traipsing through the back-40 last year is “very likely just some Mr. Friesen from Altona.”
“The evidence is overwhelming,” said Dr. Toews. “I mean, all you have to do is turn up the volume and you’ll hear the creature speak in fluent Plautdietsch.”
While scientists don’t yet know precisely which Mr. Friesen from Altona it is, they are certain, by the volume of hair and vacant stare that “it must be a Friesen.”
“Some people are saying he looks a lot like one of the Kornelsens from Jantsied, but his accent is definitely a West Reserve accent!” said Dr. Toews. “Plus, I think he was the backup goalie for the Altona squad at the last EM Cup!”
Researchers are hoping to catch a glimpse of Mr. Friesen late this night. Friesen is known to wander down 2nd Street every night just after eleven. He is often seen without his shirt off, yelling Plautdietsch profanity into neighbourhood yards.
“If you spot Mr. Friesen, please give him his space,” said Dr. Toews. “Bigfoots prefer to avoid human contact…unless you’re bringing them watermelon.”
The local EMB church plans to put on a display of Bigfoot artifacts this summer, including a size 13 Nike footprint, a pile of knackzoat shells, and petrified Bigfoot dung found on Main Street.
