OTTAWA, ON
Millions of Canadians from coast-to-coast were completely flummoxed this week as temperatures dropped to the same frigid Canadian winter temperatures as every other winter. Many took to social media to vent their disbelief.
“Wow, I was completely blind-sided by this one. You would think a pair of Lululemons would suffice to handle late December temperatures but it appears they do not,” exclaimed a shocked Diane Friesen of Aylmer. “Where on Earth did this cold weather come from? I was not expecting this!”
As temperatures dipped to, like, totally normal Canadian winter temperatures, national media began reporting on the cold winter as if it was news. Like every other year before this one, they even took to comparing Canadian temperatures to other stuff that’s cold.
“Gee whiz it’s cold!” said CBC reporter Doug MacDonald. “Ottawa’s colder than Siberia and Winnipeg’s colder than Mars. Also, Kitchener’s as cold as the Amundsen-Scott Station on the South Pole, Regina’s colder than Grandma Penner’s icebox, and Edmonton’s as cold as the frosty relationship between North and South Korea. Golly, this is a surprise!”
Canadian children, led to believe by their parents that summer would last forever, were baffled as they ran outside to play only to find the ground covered in a mysterious white substance.
“Little Timothy and Sally hadn’t seen snow since last April so it was a complete shock…to them and me!” said Mrs. Loewen. “It’s strange, but I’m beginning to get the feeling that winter returns every year in a completely predictable manner or something.”
Canadians will now huddle up inside for the next six months when they will emerge sometime in mid-July, complain it’s too freakin’ hot, and head back inside to the air-conditioning.