KITCHENER, ON
Climate scientists in southern Ontario predict that, due to increasing temperatures, by the year 2030, there will be a global shortage of schmaunt fat.
The white cream gravy has been a staple of Mennonite diet for centuries, and scientists warn that as the world gets hotter, schmaunt fat supplies may be adversely affected.
“We’re really concerned,” said Mennonite cafe owner Bryan Koop. “We wouldn’t want to have to resort to using sour cream gravy, or brown gravy, or any other kind of gravy, really. Our people depend on the schmaunt for their very survival.”
The impact could go far beyond Canada, however. As temperatures warm in Mexico and Paraguay, Mennonites will be forced further north in search of suitable kielke toppings.
“It’s not impossible that in a few decades, places like Manitoba and Saskatchewan will be inundated with schmaunt fat refugees,” said Koop.
Government representatives in Mennonite-heavy areas have warned citizens not to start hoarding schmaunt. Meanwhile, Steinbach city council seem unconcerned about the pending shortage, turning down a request from local residents to fill the water tower with gravy