OMAHA, NE
The entire state of Nebraska slipped into a new ice age last Sunday after members of Omaha Community Mennonite did their usual thing of talking with their friends and half-heartedly welcoming newcomers. The particularly frosty reception triggered an entirely new climate that scientists predict could last up to 10,000 years.
“Wow, those Mennonites can be cold,” said climate scientist Dr. Agnes Smythe. “They just stick to themselves drinking coffee and complaining about the sermon. They’ll hardly even make eye contact with visitors.”
The ice age was thought to have started after the Jansen family from Kansas showed up for the first time last Sunday morning.
“They stood there for a full fifteen minutes before an usher reluctantly offered them a bulletin,” said Dr. Smythe. “Old Mr. Rempel may have glanced at them from the corner of his eye, but that’s about all they got.”
The Jansens stayed throughout the service and even stood around in the lobby afterwards, but still not a single member bothered to greet them.
“It’s really too bad they got such a cold reception and now we have to deal with this darn ice age for the next few millennia,” said Dr. Smythe. “I sure hope this ice age doesn’t spread to other states.”
At press time, huge glaciers were appearing across the country and stretching over the border into Canada.