SCHLAMMFELD, MB
Local communists have declared complete and total victory over the resistant kulaks this week after successfully convincing some guy named Darryl from Schlammfeld to put on a mask.
“At last, with this final victory, we have achieved the glorious communist utopia,” said local Communist leader Joseph Stalin Jr. “Cloth masks during a time of pandemic: this is precisely what Marx predicted in Das Kapital!”
Darryl feels so profoundly violated by having to protect his neighbours by wearing a mask in public places during a national health emergency, that he’s beginning to look back into his own family history.
“This is no different from when my great-uncle Johan was sent to the Gulag!” said random Darryl guy, from the comfort of his suburban Schlammfeld bungalow. “I finally know exactly how Alexsandr Solzhenitsyn felt!”
This same guy is also demanding a spot in the new upcoming revised version of Martyrs Mirror right next to pictures of people being tortured with tongue screws and being burned at the stake.
“If you look at martyrs of the past, I think it’s pretty clear I’m right up there with all those dudes,” said Darryl. “I mean, this minor inconvenience of wearing a mask surely ranks among the greatest atrocities ever committed in human history.”
As evidence of his assertion, Darryl has cited an obscure passage in Mao’s Little Red Book that documents precisely how to defeat your enemy by getting their glasses to fog up.
