KITCHENER-WATERLOO, ON
Residents of Kitchener-Waterloo were shocked to discover a four-metre concrete wall dividing the twin cities when they woke up this morning. The ‘Kitchener-Waterloo Wall,’ which stretches for miles between the two cities and all the way around the outside of Kitchener, was erected by a fringe group of Mennonites who wanted to prevent Mennos from fleeing Kitchener for the warmer climes of Waterloo.
“It’s actually for your own protection,” said Mennonite elder Billy Brandt. “We can’t let our good honest, hard-working Mennos become corrupted by the worldly ways of the Waterluvians.”
More than a dozen Mennonites have tried to escape Kitchener by climbing over the wall, but so far they have not been successful.
“The wall is heavily guarded with Mennonite ladies ready to give them the stink eye,” said Brandt. “Plus, it’s actually two walls running parallel to each other, which means even if you make it over one, you still have to run through twenty feet of molasses and make it over the second.”
Other Mennonites have tried digging tunnels or even posing as Lutherans at the border crossing known as Checkpoint Corny.
“So far no one has escaped Kitchener,” said Brandt. “They never have and they never will.”
Protestors, who blame powerful Russian Mennonites for the Kitchener-Waterloo Wall, are demanding its immediate removal.
“Mr. Gerbrandt,” said one protestor to a crowd of supporters. “Tear down this wall!”
So far the Russian Mennonites have denied any involvement, saying that Kitchener elders decided to build the wall of their own volition.
“We have nothing to do with that thing. It was all the Kitchener elders’ idea,” said Mr. Gerbrandt. “Us Russians are much more talented at raising barns than raising walls.”
The United Nations is meeting this week to discuss what can be done about the Kitchener-Waterloo Wall without starting yet another Munster Rebellion.
(photo credit: Katarina Chovancova/CC)