GOSHEN, IN
Thousands of conservative Mennonites rallied in Goshen this week to protest what they perceived as an imminent threat to their Second Commandment Rights. The rally attracted a wide range of Mennonites united in their love for God, country, and the Second Commandment.
“It’s as clear as day: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image,” said rally leader Jakob Miller to an enthusiastic crowd of Second Commandment supporters. “I for one will not just lay down and see our Second Commandment rights trampled on by some leftists in Washington who want to put up graven images all over the place.”
The Mennonites demanded that President Trump reaffirm his commitment to protect the Second Commandment, which was one of his strongest campaign promises, and garnered him considerable support with the Anabaptist community during the election.
“Brave men and women have died to protect my right to not bear any graven images,” said Miller. “I know they’re after us, trying to put graven images in our churches and homes, but I’m not giving up without a fight. If they want to take away my rights, it won’t be easy. They’ll have to pry this picture-free Mennonite Hymnal out of my cold dead hands.”
The demonstration was met with counter-protestors who surrounded the Mennonites with open-carry graven images.
“I think it’s time we scrap the Second Commandment,” said one pro-picture activist. “It may have been necessary in the years after the American Revolution, but now it really serves no purpose. These Mennonites need to join the 21st century.”
The Second Commandment has been the source of heated debate over the years, and the controversy has only intensified as states continue to liberalize graven image laws.
“You can get a graven image anywhere these days, even right there on one of those so-called smartphones,” explained Miller. “Well, let me tell you, I don’t see what’s so ‘smart’ about such easy access to pictures of grumpy cats and Jennifer Lawrence.”
The rally lasted for more than three hours before police showed up and dispersed the rowdy crowd by projecting enormous pictures of Englisher couples holding hands onto the outside wall of the city hall. The crowd was quick to exit, but promised they would return every Sunday after church until the entire city of Goshen was completely free of graven imagery.