STEINBACH, MB
Dwight P. Funk, president of the Flat Steinbach Society, is planning a manned-mission to space in order to “prove once and for all that Steinbach is flat.” So far he has raised more than $3 million selling ammonia cookies at church bake sales.
“The heathens want us to believe in a round Steinbach, but it looks pretty darn flat to me,” said P. Funk. “I mean I just stood in front of MCC Store on Main Street and I could see all the way to the Credit Union! If Steinbach was round, that would be impossible!”
P. Funk believes Steinbach is actually shaped like a flat piece of roll kuchen and hopes to prove this with aerial photography from deep space.
“According to my calculations, if Steinbach was round, the water tower should be a full two-hundred feet below the Jake Epp Library yet,” said P. Funk. “Ever since we allowed Englishers in this town, they’ve corrupted us with their round Steinbach nonsense!”
P. Funk also says he’s noticed mysterious chemtrails above Steinbach, though locals note it’s just the exhaust from the Main Street feedmill, a claim that P. Funk dismissed as “devil talk.”
P. Funk says he will be launching off into space sometime this spring in a rocket ship powered by horse manure.