TORONTO, ON
After apparently firing anchor Lisa LaFlamme for showcasing her stunning grey hair, the new white dude in charge of CTV News has decided to ban female employees from showing off any hair at all.
“Heads must be fully covered – Mennonite style,” said a recent company memo. “We don’t want a single strand of grey hair showing. We’re not so keen on brown or blonde hair either. Let’s just keep that hair covered altogether, shall we?”
The company has already provided each employee with a lovely new duak handmade in Aylmer, Ontario.
“We certainly don’t want a repeat of that whole Lisa LaFlamme situation,” said the memo. “Some people were beginning to find grey hair attractive and we can’t have that. Think of the impact that’ll have on our fine upstanding sponsors in the hair dye industry.”
To stem the grey hair tide, CTV will also be offering free advertising to hair dye companies for the entire month of September.
“And from now on, no more Sunday broadcasts,” read the memo. “All employees will be required to get up and milk the cows, followed by a nice 3-hour Sunday service, followed by faspa, followed by cleaning up the dishes, followed by the evening service, followed by milking the cows again. It’s a day of rest after all.”
To keep things fair, CTV has also enacted a strict policy requiring all the men in their employ to laze around on their butts every Sunday while the women do all the work.
(photo credit: Rembrandt van Rijn/modified)