HUNTSVILLE, TX
A death row inmate, set for execution by electric chair this week, has requested a hearty Mennonite meal of vereneki, schmaunt fat, formavorscht, buttasup and an entire tray of rhubarb platz for his last meal.
“I’m trying to go out with a heart attack,” said the unnamed inmate, who has been on death row since 1995. “It’s better than the electric chair.”
The inmate has also requested that his Grandma Wall cook the meal herself, although it’s not known whether the State of Texas will allow such a request.
“Everyone wants their grandma’s cooking for their last meal,” said Texas Attorney General Cam Pickton. “We’ll get him the perogies and schmaunt fat, but it’ll probably be frozen and reheated in the warden’s microwave.”
The Attorney General has also questioned the request because it might diminish the death penalty’s value as a deterrent to murder.
“We can give them steak and mushrooms or something,” said Pickton, “but if we start offering inmates Mennonite food, we’ll have people committing crimes just to get on death row. We shouldn’t be rewarding people for criminal behaviour.”
Criminologists have supported the inmate’s request and pointed out that the death penalty is not actually an effective deterrent in the first place.
“Let the man have his Mennonite meal,” said Dr. Lichti. “If offering Mennonite food to prisoners encouraged criminal activity then Pennsylvania would have the highest crime rate in the country.”
Barring a last-minute stay of execution by the governor, the inmate is scheduled to be executed by over-consumption of Mennonite food this Wednesday.