WASHINGTON, DC
Millions of pious God-fearing Bible-believing Christians across America are gathering today to sing songs of glory, honour, and praise to the golden calf US flag and constitution.
“It’s our most sacred holiday,” said Mr. Fisher of Harrisonburg. “On this holy day we bow our heads and pray to our only Lord and Saviour Thomas Jefferson.”
Mr. Fisher claims that the Holy Scriptures are his guide to life and says he puts his entire trust in no one but God above.
“As an American, I’m a man of faith. Thanks to God’s Word I have nothing to fear,” said Mr. Fisher, “which is why I proudly walk around with a Glock in my holster and the United States constitution in my breast pocket.”
Mr. Fisher says the day will include the singing of a range of sacred hymns including “America the Beautiful”, “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”, and “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” and will end with lighting up the night skies in celebration of his deity.
“Having visited no other country on the planet, I can say with utmost confidence that America is the greatest country on earth,” said Mr. Fisher. “I hope and pray that we live out our faith every day. We’re not just 4th of July Americans. We’re Americans every day of the year.”
Mr. Fisher is apparently so devout that he believes Thomas Jefferson knows his secret thoughts and is watching him while he sins.