MIAMI, FL
The Discovery Channel’s annual ‘Shark Week’ usually features numerous fascinating documentaries about the underwater killing machines, full of exciting decapitations and mutilations that keep audiences on the edge of their seats. This year, however, they decided to “shake things up a little bit,” by airing a two-hour long program on those rare sharks who have decided it’s “against their religion to kill.”
“Believe it or not, there are a small percentage of sharks who are Conscientious Objectors,” said Dr. Friesen. “They survive mostly by keeping a low profile, having large families, and nibbling on plankton.”
Scientists have been studying the peculiar behaviour of the pacifist sharks for quite some time. It’s believed they first started their non-violent ways sometime during the radical shark reformation of the 16th century.
“It’s a miracle they’ve survived as long as they have,” said Friesen. “Occasionally the younger sharks leave for the city and start killing seals and otters and all that. It really grieves the older, more traditional, pacifist sharks to see it….but what can you do?”
The episode on pacifist sharks, which consisted mostly of footage of them attending church and swimming around not doing much, was the lowest rated program during Shark Week.
“I sympathize with these sharks. They have a good point to make. But people want to be entertained,” said Dr. Friesen. “And I’m sorry to say, but pacifist sharks are about as interesting to watch as that goldfish in your tank at home.”
The Discovery Channel has promised more blood and guts next year, and vows never to air footage of pacifist sharks again.