ARNHEM, NETHERLANDS
A Dutch court has ruled today that local senior Milan Ratelbrand, 69, is actually legally “one-and-half years old, or two at best.” Ratelbrand had sued the government to have his age lowered by a couple decades so he could have sex with younger strangers he met on the Internet, but the court found he was actually much younger than even Ratelbrand had claimed.
“He was trying to be branded as a 49-year-old,” said the judge, “but when we assessed his maturity and mental age, we found he wasn’t much better than a whiny little toddler.”
The judge has ordered Ratelbrand to suck his thumb from now on and have his diaper changed by a trained professional at least once a day.
“He didn’t like the ruling and immediately threw a fit,” said the judge. “They call it the terrible twos for a reason.”
The ruling has already had a deterrent effect on other frivolous lawsuits.
“If you want to have your age lowered, you’ll have to be happy with however old we think you are,” said the judge. “Looks like it’s back to the nursery school for Mr. Ratelbrand.”
Ratelbrand had scheduled a press conference to respond to the ruling, but it had to be cancelled since he was way too occupied banging all the pots and pans together in his mother’s kitchen.
(photo credit: Eric Chan/CC)