FRESNO, CA
Elon Musk is on a buying spree it seems, as reports out of Fresno, California this week indicate the billionaire has recently purchased the local MB church, fired all the staff, and appointed himself pastor.
“Former employees Pastor Wiens, Associate Pastor Enns, custodian Kroeker, and music director Janzen are no longer employed at this church,” said Musk from the pulpit this past Sunday. “Please note that this is only temporary and we’ll be appointing a new staff made up entirely of apostates and heretics very soon.”
Congregants are quite worried about changes that might occur now that Musk is in charge.
“I’m not really a fan of his theology, but I hear he’ll be limiting the Sunday morning sermons to 280 characters or less, which would be an improvement,” said parishioner Susan Friesen. “I still haven’t decided whether I’ll stay in this church or not. I really don’t want this place to be taken over by Lutherans or something.”
Musk has already ripped up the church’s statement of faith and said that from now on congregants are free to believe whatever they want to believe, no matter how extreme.
“Starting Monday we’re even accepting pre-trib premillenial dispensationalists around here,” said Musk. “I hope a few of the Mennonites will stick around.”
Critics are concerned Musk might not have time to run SpaceX, Tesla, and a medium-sized Mennonite church at the same time, but Musk says he’s more than up to the task.
“In order to make time to run this church I’m going to be selling off the Boring Company,” said Musk. “I think I’ll keep the name, though. Has a nice ring to it.”
