TORONTO, ON
Eager to share an authentic Florida hockey experience with its northern fans, the NHL has decided to play the entire season in empty arenas.
“I think those Canadian fans don’t know what it’s like to watch hockey in half empty arenas before an indifferent fan base,” said NHL Commissioner Garry Bettman. “This year we figured we’d give everyone a taste of our Florida NHL brand.”
Bettman is also hoping to sprinkle in a little bit of Phoenix hockey by melting the ice into sloppy slush and having announcers compare everything to American football.
“We’re also thinking of bringing in cheerleaders and bringing back that Fox puck? Remember that? That was epic!” said Bettman. “Those Canadians are going to regret ever complaining about the Americanization of their sport.”
So far Canadians are unimpressed with this Florida version of the NHL, though most are appreciative of the free soft shell crab and key lime pie.
