KITCHENER, ON
A report out of the University of Kitchener this week confirms what everyone knew all along that their own grandma is the “very best cook in the entire world.”
“We tested the cooking abilities of grandmas all around the globe, from Mrs. Eby in St. Jacobs to Mrs. Wulung in Java to Mrs. Friesen in the Fernheim Colony,” explained Professor Martin. “And we discovered that no one grandma stood out from the crowd. Their own grandkids all thought they were the absolute best.”
Some have questioned the legitimacy of a study whose results appear so inconclusive, but Professor Martin defends her methods.
“We shoved home cooking down the throats of thousands of grandchildren and every one of them could pick out their oma or nonna or lola or grandmere’s cooking a mile away,” said Martin. “There’s no way a Reimer kid from Blumenort was going to suffer with some random Oma Friesen’s vereniki. It’s just not the same.”
The study has sent shockwaves throughout the culinary world as restaurants are eager to fire their Michelin-starred chefs and hire “every grandmother in the entire world.”
“This study presents a unique challenge for restauranteurs,” said chef Gordon Ramsay. “How do we cater to the tastes of literally billions of people who all prefer their grandmother’s secret meatball recipe to my pressed foie gras with cherry and chamomile?”
Over ten thousand restaurants have already shut their doors while the line-ups at every single grandma’s condo are around the block.
