TABER, AB
After years of secrecy, the infamous ‘Alberta Clipper’ has agreed to this exclusive interview with the Daily Bonnet. We met Mr. Friesen in his home in Taber to ask him about why he insists on clipping his fingernails in public and causing so much bad weather across the continent.
DAILY BONNET: So, how long have you been clipping your nails like this?
ALBERTA CLIPPER: Oh, aver since I was a yust a junges yat. My mother always taughts me to make sure my nails were clapped so I clap them whanaver I can.
DB: Some say your excessive nail clipping is causing nasty cold weather and snow storms across North America. How do you respond?
AC: I naver studied science, because my father always said it was weltllijch, so I don’t know anyting about dat. I don’t see how my clapping would have anyting to do wit da wather.
DB: Have you ever considered perhaps doing your personal grooming in the privacy of your own home?
AC: Oba, naver! Why would I do that? Clapping my nails. Flossing my teeths. I don’t have time for that schtuff at home yat because I always have to malk the cows. If I don’t clap my nails on the public bus, I’ll never clap them at all.
DB: What do your friends think of your clipping?
AC: They’re always telling to me ‘Rüt met die, Heinrich’ or ‘Dietschlaunt, Heinrich, do that somewhere alse yet.’ But I don’t care. I’m the Alberta Clapper so I clap averywhere!
DB: After so many decades of wreaking havoc, why have you decided to go public now?
AC: Vell, I heard on da radio about da Alberta Clapper and I said, oba, Heinrich, I’m famous yat. So I tought if clapping can gets me on da radio dan who knows what else it can do. I hope Oprah is listening.
DB: Thanks for your time.
AC: Nah yo dan. Tank you vary match.