TORONTO, ON
After centuries of skating, Canadians have mastered the art of maneuvering their bodies at high speeds on sheets of ice, but scientists are baffled by the fact that not a single one of them has learned how to stop.
“Arenas, ponds, and skating rinks across the country are filled with enthusiastic ice skaters at this very moment,” said Dr. Dietrich Van Vogt of the University of Toronto. “Yes, indeed, thousands of Canadians are falling on their asses as we speak!”
While some have attempted to stop by grabbing onto the boards or slowly moving into the fetal position, none of these methods have been as successful as falling on your ass.
“Once you’re flying down the ice at top speed there’s really no way to stop. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got brakes on those things,” said Van Vogt. “Slamming into the person next to you, or awkwardly grabbing hold of a better skater can work to slow you down but ultimately the only way to stop is to fall on your ass.”
Van Vogt also noted a few instances of falling face first into a snowbank or careening into the zamboni, but those he dismissed as outliers.
“Falling down is a tried and true technique,” said Van Vogt. “It’s in our blood, past on from one generation to the next and there’s no possible way this will ever change!”
Experts also suggest that Canadians will never learn to drive properly in winter.