LETHBRIDGE, AB
Rev. Jeremy Goerzen of Lethbridge is making waves throughout southern Alberta after discovering three missing syllables in the name Jesus, which he pronounces each Sunday, sweating roll down his face and Bible pounding on the pulpit, as “Je-he-uh-zus-ah.”
“I’ve seen a 10% increase in attendance and, more importantly, a 30% increase in donations since I found those bonus syllables,” said Goerzen. “My fire and brimstone sermons will never be the same again.”
Goerzen says those lukewarm pastors can stick to the basic two-syllable pronunciation of Jesus, but “as for me and my house, we will worship Je-he-uh-zus-ah.”
Goerzen says pulpit-pounding and yelling is just not enough these days and adding bonus syllables is really the way to get people all fired up.
“I’ve also tripled the number of syllables in my pronunciation of God,” said Goerzen. “At our church, you’re not just here to meet God, you’re here to encounter Gu-haw-udd.”
Goerzen says that once the folks get used to his three extra syllables, he’ll focus his effort on findings way to increase the decibels.
