CANNES, FRANCE
In an effort to enforce their arbitrary and inconsistent definition of secularism, the French government is now cracking down on Mennonite women who are “not dressed nearly sexy enough to be at the beach.”
“When I go to the beach I expect to see women in a proper level of undress,” said Eustache Moreau, government spokesperson and world-renowned misogynist. “If we’ve got Mennonites there wearing modest one-piece bathing suits or whatever, it’s simply not appropriate attire for French beaches.”
The crackdown on religiously-motivated modesty at the beach has resulted in arrests, fines, and even jail time for women who think they have the right to decide for themselves how to adorn their own bodies.
“I’m here to swim,” said Martha Loewen of Kitchener, who has been vacationing in the south of France for the past two weeks. “Not to put on a show for perverted French policemen. This ain’t the Moulin Rouge.”
Loewen says she was given a warning and was told to either put on a string bikini or leave the beach.
“I mean, where I come from I’m used to dealing with men who think it’s their right to tell me how to dress,” said Loewen. “But I guess I thought France would be different. Boy, was I wrong.”
But enforcing dress codes is only the first stage in the French beach purity plan.
The government is also said to be working on a rating system to ensure that beach-goers are an appropriate level of hotness before entering the waters. Before receiving permission to enter a French beach, each potential swimmer will need to disrobe and stand before President Francois Hollande for judgement. Anyone who’s not at least a 7/10 on his scale will be asked to leave the country.
“We don’t need anyone who is too modest, too religious, too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too old, too young, too pale, or too brown on our beaches,” said Hollande. “Those people can go elsewhere. I hear Croatia will take anybody.”
(photo credit: John Carkeet/CC)
