HOLMES COUNTY, OH
Aghast at the dismal prospects for life in mainstream American society, millions of Americans are apparently considering joining the Amish.
“During the debate we saw a huge surge in ‘how to move to Canada’, ‘how to join the Amish’ and ‘cost of living on Mars,’” said Google analyst Maria Martin. “Holmes County has been flooded with Americans from the city hoping to avoid having to deal with whatever dumpster fire of modern American life will follow the November election.”
There’s always an uptick in inquiries to move to Canada during a Presidential election, but with borders closed it looks like other options are being explored.
“Amish country is the closest thing to Canada you’re going to get I’m afraid,” said Martin. “Funny accents, strange-looking headgear, limited broadband Internet access – it’s basically Canada.”
One such couple considering joining the Amish or moving to British Columbia is the Reynolds family from Cleveland.
“The rent’s a lot cheaper in Holmes Count than Vancouver,” said Brenda Reynolds. “On the other hand, I’m not sure my goat milking skills are up to snuff.”
According to guidelines it’s actually way easier to move to Canada than join the Amish, but, then again, Canada’s also a lot colder than Amish country and the roads are much worse.