LANCASTER, PA
With Donald Trump surging in the polls and Democrats seemingly oblivious to the fact that only Bernie has a chance of beating him, DNC frontrunner Hillary Clinton is contemplating a move to Amish country if she loses.
“I know a lot of people are considering Canada,” Clinton said to an audience of supporters, mostly superdelegates, “but why move to Canada when we can have perfectly fine dirt roads and candlelit homes right here in Pennsylvania?”
The local Swartzentruber Amish community was initially resistant to the idea.
“I’m not sure she has what it takes to be Amish,” said Bishop Elmer Herschberger, “so I sure hopes she beats Mr. Drumpf.”
When asked whether Bill would join her in Pennsylvania, Hillary was evasive at first, then said she thought he probably would, although they might sleep on separate mats.
“I think Bill is ready to go Amish,” Clinton said. “That whole Lewinsky thing? Well, that was Bill’s rumspringa.”
Faced with either a Trump presidency or the Clintons in their midst, Bishop Herchberger said he had no choice but to vacate the area.
“I can’t abide either of those options,” said Herschberger, “so, maybe we’ll have to move to Canada with all the disappointed liberals. I hear Trump wants us out of here anyway.”
