LANCASTER, PA
Thousands of hipsters across the United States will be forced to shave off their beards at the end of this month after a Pennsylvania court ruled these beards a “clear violation” of a long-standing Mennonite patent.
“We took out a utility patent on these beards back in 1683 when we arrived in this country,” said Mr. Landis. “I’m glad that after more than three centuries, the government has finally done the right thing.”
Distraught hipsters were seen reluctantly shaving this week, although most were not happy about it.
“I don’t know how anyone will know I’m a hipster after this,” said local hipster and record store owner Dylan. “I really don’t like it, but at least no one will confuse me for a Mennonite anymore.”
The ancient patent includes any type of “thick facial hair covering the chin and sides of the human face,” though, for some reason, no patent was taken out on the moustache.
“At least I’ll be able to keep some hair on my upper lip,” said Dylan. “I’m not sure if I like the look, though. I’m looking for more like my Dad and less like a hipster every day.”
The Mennonites were not awarded any monetary compensation, but all the hair collected from the hipster beards will be woven by Mennonite women into elaborate decorative family heirlooms.