WINKLER, MB
After an unseemly incident in London, Ontario this week, the NHL has decided to ban players from calling Mennonites Mennonites.
“What’s next? Someone’s going to call Jonathan Toews a Mennonite? Oba nay!” said commissioner Gary Bettman, who says he’s definitely not a Mennonite.
Historical records will also expunge any mention of Garry Unger, Jeff Friesen, or James Reimer.
“And we’re erasing Devon Toews’ name from the Stanley Cup,” said Bettman. “Way too Menno.”
Also on the chopping block is Willi Plett’s 1977 Calder Trophy.
“We can’t have any mention of Mennonites and hockey,” said Bettman. “Better just get rid of them all and be on the safe side.”
The NHL has also halted any sales of Robyn Regehr, Dustin Penner, Ray Neufeld, Dave Schultz, or Eric Fehr jerseys.
“Jeepers, is this the NHL or the EM Cup?” wondered Bettman. “Time to keep a lid on things.”
Any players caught calling another player a Mennonite will get a 5 game suspension. It’s not yet known what the punishment is for calling another player a Lutheran.