ALTONA, MB
Researchers at the University of Jantsied have spent the past two months solving the greatest challenge facing Mennonites these days: how to knack your zoat while wearing a face mask. Thanks to the work of Dr. Friesen and his dedicated team of zoat knacking schekjbenjels, the answer has now been revealed.
“Our team has tried out every method known to Mennonites. We spent weeks trying to figure out how to slide a sanitary finger under the mask, but the spitting was always a challenge,” said Dr. Friesen. “Then this past week, young Peter Wiebe developed a brilliant new method that will revolutionize the way you knack your zoat during a pandemic.”
Inspired by the chipmunks he saw scampering in his backyard, Peter decided to pack the left side of his mask with fresh zoat.
“Then the trick is to transfer a seed with your tongue to your mouth, knack it, and then transfer the used shell to the right side of your face for safekeeping,” explained Peter. “Once your mask fills with empty shells you toss it on the fire and grab a new one.”
The new method prevents germs from being spread through spitting and/or stepping on someone else’s zoat shells.
“I will admit that the chipmunking method does require some practice, but we found that our knackzoat schekjbenjels got the hang of it within a few hours of practice,” said Dr. Friesen. “We have no doubts that a more experienced knackzoater should be able to get the hang of it very quickly.”
Having a mound of wet zoat wedged on the side of your face is also something that safe Mennonites will just have to get used to.
“It’s really not so bad,” said Dr. Friesen. “You should see the method we came up with for safely eating watermelon!”
