CORNWALL, ON
According to reliable reports, border towns across Canada have been facing a mass influx of Segway drivers in recent months. As a result, concerned citizens are calling on the Canadian Prime Minister to put an end to these illegal Segway border crossings.
“It’s a disgrace. These people are just waltzing across our border on Segways as if it wasn’t even there,” said local MP William Peters. “It’s a little surprising, though. I didn’t even know the Segway had enough juice to make it all the way to the Canadian border.”
Most of this recent wave of migrants are bitter Hillary Clinton supporters who are trying to sneak into Canada before the snow flies.
“They’re just flouting a loophole in our laws that allows people to cross the border wherever and whenever they want as long as you’re on a Segway,” said Peters. “Something has got to be done. If we just let all the Segway-riders come in, in a few years you won’t even be able to recognize Canada anymore.”
Peters is calling on the federal government to provide more resources to address this problem.
“We’re not asking for much, but we need something to stop these Segways.” said Peters. “A bag of pebbles should do the trick.”
There have been calls for Canada to tighten it’s anti-Segway laws ever since the loophole was first exploited by aging Neil Young fans who invaded the small town of Omemee, Ontario on Segways back in 2005.
“That incident back in Omemee was pretty bad, but nothing compared to the situation we’re in now. Every day dozens of them are just Segwaying through farmer’s fields and showing up on the edge of town in need of a battery charge,” said Peters. “This Segwayification of Canada cannot continue!”
Close to 1000 migrants have illegally crossed the Canadian borders on Segways since July.