WASHINGTON, DC
In his greatest act of selflessness and humility since taking the Oval Office, President Donald Trump pardoned a delicious Hutterite-raised turkey today. Trump will now have to dine on inferior store-bought turkeys this Thanksgiving.
“Boy, I’m famished,” said Trump as he reluctantly pardoned the turkey. “I’d really like to dine on this Hutterite turkey. I’ve heard they’re the best. But I guess it’s Chick-fil-A again tonight.”
Upon hearing the news that Mr. Trump with go through Thanksgiving without the taste of Hutterite poultry, Mrs. Waldner of Purple Haze Colony in South Dakota decided to search in her deep freeze to see what she could offer.
“My freezer is packed with Hutterite poultry,” said Mrs. Waldner. “I usually sell them to desperate neighbouring Mennonites-in-need, who just can’t produce a product like this. However, I’ve got so many that I’m willing to let one go in service to the country.”
As for the pardoned Hutterite turkey in question, she has decided to return to the colony and take up residence with the Kleinsassers…at least until sometime in the middle of winter when the Kleinsassers decide they need a hot turkey sandwich.