GRAND FORKS, ND
Local man and constitution-worshipper Henry Unger says he just “can’t believe the Mormons have all these extra holy books that they added centuries later.” For Unger, it’s just the Old Testament, New Testament, and the United States Constitution and he doesn’t need any more holy books than that.
“You know there are very strict punishments for anyone who adds or detracts from the Holy Scriptures,” says Unger, hoisting a rifle in one hand and a copy of the US Constitution in the other. “And I will defend to the death my right to revere the words of Moses, Jesus Christ, and Thomas Jefferson as I please!”
Unger found it laughable that some Mormons would show up at his doorstep and tell him about a long lost testament of Jesus Christ found by Joseph Smith under a tree in upstate New York, but will not abide anyone criticizing his favourite sacred text written by 18th century deist slave-owners.
“There are 67 books in the Bible,” said Unger, who sets aside time each day to do his devotions, which includes half an hour watching Ben Shapiro videos. “Everyone knows that. The canon of scripture was all settled long ago in the year 1789!”
Unger says he plans to go door-to-door proclaiming the good news of the United States constitution just as soon the pandemic is over and his God-given constitutional rights have been fully restored.