According to the ancient and mystical Mennonite Enneagram, written by Richard Reimer and Andreas Hiebert, there are nine distinct Mennonite personality types. Which one are you?
TYPE ONE: The Need to Make the Perfect Quilt – Ones tends to be very obsessive about all things quilting. They can be easily identified by the thimbles on their fingers and the buns in their hair.
TYPE TWO: The Need to be Kneaded – Everyone wants to feel kneaded. Twos usually end up on the receiving ends of many trips to the trachtmoaka.
TYPE THREE: The Need to Succeed Your Father at the Church Pew Factory – Type threes have a very strong desire to take over the family business and are willing to do anything, including, but not limited to, backstabbing Oncle Pieta, in order to achieve their goal of taking over the church pew factory.
TYPE FOUR: The Need to Be Spashal – Some Mennonites need to feel sea spashal all the time yet. They yust can’t go a day once without doing someting a little spashal and nice for Martha.
TYPE FIVE: The Need to Perceive what the Neighbours are Doing – Type Fives are inquisitive types who like to know what’s happening, even if it means peering through the neighbour’s basement window to see if the rumours are true about their forbidden pool table.
TYPE SIX: The Need for a Secure Place to Park Your Combine – It’s not easy parking a combine. Even with the wide boulevards of Vankla it can be trouble. Type sixes will never give up a good tractor and/or combine parking spot once they’ve nabbed it.
TYPE SEVEN: The Need to Avoid Your Pain-in-the-ass Cousin Johan – Type Sevens are particularly averse to the annoying habits of cousin Johan. If only he’d keep his rubber boots and dandelion wine to himself!
TYPE EIGHT: The Need to Be Against Wind During Manure-spreading Season – Some say that 8s have an oppositional disorder, but really they just want to be against wind. The aromas of the farm provide them with soothing memories of childhood. Remarkably, they also don’t mind being against wind when Oncle Jakob walks by.
TYPE NINE: The Need to Avoid Clean-up Duty After Faspa – Type nines always scoot out of church early to avoid helping out with the cleanup. Type nines are often pastor’s sons.