REEDLEY, CA
Vice Presidential hopeful JD Vance stopped by in one of Reedley, California’s famous roll kuchen shops this week to pick up an order and win over a few voters. However, things did not goes as planned.
“It was super cringey,” said Diane Janzen, owner of Reedley Roll Kuchen and More. “He tried to speak with us in a Low German accent, then tried to get everyone in the shop to sing along while he serenaded us with a verse of Dun Danket Alle Gott.”
According to rumours, Vance got all his information about Mennonites from The Unger Review, which, apparently, he did not know was satire.
“There’s always a kernel of truth in satire, isn’t there,” said Vance. “Surely, you can’t blame me for handing out free Dutch Blitz cards to passersby on the street.”
Vance also staged awkward conversations with customers and employees of the shop.
“He asked me how long I’ve been working here,” said Janzen. “Well, sonny, I’ve been here since the shop opened in 1961.”
Vance also apparently recorded a visit to the local thrift store that was far too cringey to air.
“He kept asking to try out the couches,” said one witness. “I’m just glad that video never made it on the Internet.”
(Vance photo credit: Gage Skidmore/CC)