WASHINGTON, DC
It didn’t take long for President Joe Biden to bring back a longstanding American tradition by ordering his very first airstrike.
“It’s an American tradition that I have to maintain,” said Joe Biden. “Within hours of entering the White House, they make you spin a globe and plunk down your finger. Wherever it lands, you have to bomb the hell out of it.”
Biden claims the bombing was not merely a ceremonial act, but sends a very clear message.
“Don’t get me wrong. This bombing had nothing to do with Syria and everything to do with sending a message to our allies in the military industrial complex,” said Biden. “We’re with you 100%.”
Biden celebrated his first airstrike by holding a socially distanced ice cream party on the front lawn of the White House.
“Ahh, this is the greatest country in the world, isn’t it?” said Biden. “I mean, if you can’t kill a few people within weeks of taking office, why become President?”
Every media outlet in America was quick to praise the action as justified, reasonable, restrained, and totally in keeping with everything America stands for.