It is a melancholy object to walk the streets of our fair city and see them crowded with young people holding signs for Harris and Walz. These poor mortals, rather than longing to return to America’s glory days of the 1950s, have instead deluded themselves into thinking about a brighter future where even childless cat ladies have a role to play in society.
This is such a grave problem in our society that whoever could find a easy, cheap, and effectual means of making these young people sound useful members of society should deserves so well as to have a red MAGA hat printed in his honour.
Having considered the plans of several others, I have always considered them insufficient to address the primary problem of Harris-Walz voters. For one, these plans fail to adequately assess the level of commitment these poor souls have for their cats.
Therefore, after significant deliberation, I shall offer my own thoughts, which I hope will not offend even the most sensitive of Democrats. I have been assured by an acquaintance of mine in Texas, that a New York real estate investor is, at 78 years old, a most delectable candidate, whether bankrupt, delusional, or convicted of felony, and I have no doubt that such an individual would equally serve as President of the United States.
I therefore propose that voters elect Donald Trump for President. The reasons are obvious and many.
First, he will make the country as great as it was back when it really not so great. This return to not-so-greatness will be a great improvement over his opponent’s plant to make America “a little bit better than it is right now.”
Second, he will build a wall to keep childless cat ladies out of the country. Those who are already here, will be sent to Springfield, Ohio.
Third, he will install tanning beds at convenient locations across the nation, thus ensuring that many of his biggest fans will be able to emulate his orange glow.
Fourth, he will hire Mennonites to finally and forever drain the swamps in Washington, though only the literal ones and not those of a more metaphorical nature.
Fifth, he will ban all music other than bro country.
There are many other reasons, but I omit these being studious of brevity … and short attention spans. I ask those who might object to my proposal to prayerfully consider whether they might have considered it a great pleasure to have elected Trump back in 2020 rather than have suffered through the last several years without his meritorious service.
