AYLMER, ON
Mennonite television and movie critics, Knels and Annie Krahn of Aylmer, are back to help you fill out your Oscar ballot for the 89th Academy Awards.
Best Picture
Knels: “Da two frontrunners are da Moonlights and da La La Lands. Averyone at da Aylmer Menno Home is yust raving about da Moonlights, but I tink La La Lands is the safer bet…not dat I condone betting.”
Annie: “Oba, Knels, your Oscar picks are as predictable as your Sunday afternoon snuggling. I tink we’re in for a real surprise this year. I would vote for Arrival. Isn’t that the one about Mennonites arriving in Canada yet?”
Knels: “I must be. Vat else could it be about?”
Best Actor
Knels: “Like all Mennonites, I was disappointed dat da Tom Hanks was not nominated. I like averyting dat man does. I guess I’ll go with Casey Affleck on dis one.”
Annie: “Nay, Knels. Ryan Gosling is yust too dreamy not to vote for. I often tink about him on Sunday afternoons when you’re…oba, I’ve said too much. Well, anyway, Ryan Gosling is my pick.”
Knels: “I tink about Helen Mirren….”
Best Actress
Knels: “I only have two words: Meryl.”
Annie: “That’s only one word, Knels, but I agree with you, Meryl Streep should win this one, although I tink dey may give it to da Natalie Portman for her portrayal of dat President’s wife. My heart says Meryl Streep but my apron says Natalie Portman.”
Best Foreign Language Film:
Knels: “I always vote for da German movie if possible. So, Toni Erdmann it is for me.”
Annie: “I heard dat film contained scenes dat are inappropriate for da Mennonites, so I will be voting for A Man Called Ove. I once knew a man named dat. My high school sweetheart.”
Knels: “You never even went yet to high school, Annie!”
Annie: “Oba, you’re right, Knels. Well, in dat case I’ll vote for The Salesman, and cross my fingers that it’s about a Bible salesman.”
Best Director:
Knels: “Ach, I yust can’t believe Mel Gibson is back and up for another Oscar. His movies are yust so violent yet. Hacksaw Ridge is da second-most violent movie ever made about a pacifist after da Passion of the Christ, but I tink Mel will win it once.”
Annie: “Barry Jenkins for da Moonlights has got to win dis one I say. The scene on the beach reminded me of the first time I met Knels except that we yust stared at each other and didn’t touch and den he axed me to marry him da next day yet.”
Knels: “And we’ve been together aver since.”
(photo credit: Jan Tik/CC)