FRESNO, CA
Thousands of people have flocked to local baker Jakob Stauffer’s bakery in Fresno and gazed into the window at his delectable creations. Although many have seen his cakes, not a single person has been granted the privilege of trying a piece, as Stauffer has strict eligibility requirements that, so far, no one has been able to pass.
“According to the Supreme Court, I’m fully in my rights to put customers through a rigorous set of tests to determine their worthiness for cake and/or pie-purchasing,” explained Stauffer. “If I let you eat my cake it’s like I’m actively condoning anything you’ve ever done in your entire life. That’s why I play it safe and go by the clear biblical teaching: ‘None is righteous. No not one.”
Stauffer says he’s had a lot of interest in his cakes but has yet to find anyone righteous enough to purchase one. He then provided a long list of people he refuses to bake cakes for, which includes:
- coveters
- gamblers
- people who’ve committed adultery in their hearts
- young people with disrespectful attitudes
- anyone who wears clothes made from mixed linen and wool
- gossips
- anyone who has looked at the speck in someone else’s eye before taking out the plank in their own
- left-handed people
- women with uncovered heads
- men with covered heads
- gingers
- pizza delivery workers
- law-breakers
- lawyers
- people who complain about taxes
- tax-collectors and sinners
- that guy who cast the first stone
- hypocrites
- television-watchers
- Facebook-users
- technophobes
- people who don’t spend enough time reading their Bibles
- people who spend too much time reading their Bibles and neglecting their other duties
- lazy people
- workaholics
- anyone who has ever passed by a homeless person on the street without helping them
- tall people
- short people
- hipsters
- rednecks
- hippies
- gluttons
- ascetic monks
- cake-eaters
- vegetarians
- pork-eaters
- pigs and other animals with cloven hooves
- business-owners
- consumers
- those guys who sit in the coffee shop all day speaking Plautdietsch and commenting on the weather
- satirists
- church elders
- heathens
- men who refuse to marry their deceased brother’s wives
- hymn-singers
- worship pastors
- politicians
- voters
- people too indifferent to vote
- married people
- divorced people
- remarried people
- longing-to-be-married people
- people who are against marriage on principle
Stauffer says the list is not complete and reserves the right to deny cake to anyone.
“For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,” he says, followed quickly by a loud and forceful, “no cake for you!”
Fortunately for locals with a sweet tooth, Stauffer says he’s “not nearly so strict about cupcakes.”