GOSHEN, IN
Local man Pete B. Esau, 27, of the Goshen area has gone through considerable anguish over the past few months as he just can’t seem to reconcile his total distaste for the policies of Donald Trump with his complete obsession with Donald’s daughter Ivanka.
“The cognitive dissonance has just been too much to handle,” said Esau. “I’ve got pictures of Ivanka all over my room in my parent’s basement. I mean, I think I love that woman. But at the same time she is Donald Trump’s daughter, so…”
The conflict has caused great anguish within Esau, so much so that he has taken to drinking excessive amounts of dandelion wine.
“Every time I see him on TV I just get furious,” said Esau, “but whenever I see Ivanka I have this funny feeling inside that I just can’t quite explain. When I see them together I just don’t know what to make of my complex array of emotions. It’s just too much…”
Esau has sought pastoral counsel for his existential problem.
“From a Mennonite perspective, there’s a clear solution to this problem,” said Pastor Jim. “First of all, young Pete should not concern himself so much with politics. Our kingdom is not of this world. Secondly, he should either pluck his eyes out, or find himself a nice Mennonite wife pronto. As the Apostle Paul says, ‘It’s better to marry, than to burn with passion.'”
As of press time, young Mr. Esau has not heeded the pastor’s advice and is currently huddled in the fetal position in his parent’s basement.
(photo credit: by Michael Vadon 
