KITCHENER, ON
Local man Mr. Gingrich, 73, of Kitchener passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday. He was discovered by his daughter Samantha, who found him on the couch with a World Cup match still playing on the television set.
“I really wish he made better choices in life. I guess for some reason he decided he’d try watching soccer,” said Ms. Gingrich. “He’s used to hockey and Canadian football, so I can see why he never woke up. It’s too bad, really.”
The match was tied 0-0 when Samantha walked in the door to find her father.
“There ought to be one of those content warnings before the match begins,” said Ms. Gingrich. “It can be really shocking, all that passing and passing and nothing ever happening. It’s hard on the old ticker.”
This is not the first such tragedy to strike the Gingrich family, as Samantha’s mom passed away just last year while tuning in to the US Open golf tournament.
“Mennonites are used to boring sermons from the pulpit every Sunday,” said Gingrich, “but when we turn the TV on, we expect to be entertained.”
After the funeral, Ms. Gingrich plans to canvas the neighbourhood warning locals about the dangers of watching soccer.