HENDERSON, NB
Mr. Allan Janzen of Henderson is being treated for first degree burns this week after lighting his Nikes on fire while still wearing them. According to family members, Janzen was burning his shoes in protest to the Nike Colin Kaepernick ad.
“Jauma lied, fire is hot yet!” said Janzen, attempting to extricate himself from his Air Jordans. “Oba, look what I’ve done now!”
Janzen was quite upset at the Nike ad featuring controversial former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick who kneeled during the national anthem.
“As soon as I saw that ad, I knew I had to do something,” said Janzen, “and so I immediately went over to the bathroom to get the matchbook that my Tina always keeps in there. I’m not sure why it’s there, but anyway, I struck a match and then I thought, oh, Pieta, look what you’ve done!”
Once Janzen recovers from his injury, he vows never to wear Nike shoes ever again.
“They’re far too flammable,” says Janzen. “I think I’ll go back to my old L.A. Gear sneakers.”
Janzen says he’s considering a public self-immolation in front of the Henderson Mennonite Church if he ever sees another Nike ad again.